We all are in search of something… Mostly it is  a blind search… some delicate subtle undercurrent that remains unnoticed in the rush of crowded urbanized life. The more we run away from that search, more restless, and more muddled we become…. Not knowing what we want, and that is what drives us so crazy. We blame it on traffic, we blame it on stressful lifestyle… we blame it on our family our colleagues, police, government, society….all the faceless entities!

What an endless run! What a waste of precious human life! What are we achieving? What are we creating here?! do we ever ask ourselves a simple question,

What do I really do every day?

“I go to work”

What work?

“Work that I am paid for”

What are you being paid for?

Say for instance, “Making software”  (Put in any other profession, all are equally pointless)

What does the software do?

It runs facebook application on cell phones.

Would the world survive without it?

“It would. There are millions of people who do not use the application I make, another million who do not use facebook. And about half of the world population does not own cell phones.”

Then what are you being paid for?

Got any answer for my question?

Don’t worry, even I don’t have the answer…. When I ask myself, whether the world would survive without the work I am being paid for…. I am scared in way that I cannot admit, just as you are….because I am not sure if I am of any use to the world…. Because it makes me realize, that the money I get paid… there is something seriously wrong with it….what is wrong… I don’t know…

Now that we have earned it, for whatever we do as “work”, what do we do of that money? That is my next question.

We buy food, basic necessities, communication, transport… we invest money for our future needs, and then we buy ourselves a few luxuries….

Out of all that I spend, how much do I really “enjoy the benefits of”?

Out of all that I spend, how much did I really “need”?

If you think you are happy with the way you live, try finding answers to these….  You will know the exact “cost” of what you call “happiness”

Now that we have arrived at the entity called happiness, tell me please, what is happiness?

Graduating with distinction?

Getting a highly paid job?

Earning money?

Being called “successful” by others?

Being able to influence others lives in good or bad way?

Being married to a handsome/beautiful aaand successful spouse in a good social connection?

Having equally beautiful and successful children?

Is all or any of that happiness for you….

I know you would say, “Yes… all of that is happiness to me! why should I deny?!”

But even in your defensive stance, you know secretly that if you got all of this, you would be stressed with the responsibility of “keeping” it. You would also have other things to pine for! You would aspire for something a few steps ahead of all this…. You will NOT be happy….

There is something seriously wrong with the world… we are measuring life in wrong units, I suppose! Like trying to buy one meter milk or one gram cloth! Everyone wants money, but does not want to work for it… everyone wants comforts and luxuries but is deprived of basic peace of mind! They say technology is going to make human life comfortable…. Have we really reduced or increased our stress levels in last few decades?! Has the technology helped us to relax and live a laid back life or made us run faster and wilder?! This is a mad rush and we need to stop and think…. What do we really want to do?

PS: I do not really have any answers…neither does Google. But there are people who have…lets say….reached closer to the answers… There are great many paths and methods of this search. As a crude categorization, people have explored this via science and/ or via philosophy…. Both ways you reach the same destination, only that it looks different to every eye! Have a happy search…

I would rather not see you…
than watch you suffocate
under heaps of garlands…
thrown by your devotees…

My doors will remain closed..
when your processions pass by…
they will call me names…
and hail you in same high voices….

I would rather not pray you…
for there is nothing I want…
I would rather not shout…
for you hear my silence alright!
But I may sneak out sometimes..
to the abandoned meadows…
where you dwell in your best form…

On that turn I stopped in fear…
Life would come to a halt right there…
But it moved as it tends to move on..
In its pace time dragged me along ..

Far away from that turn….
Here is another one…
And another breathtaking scene…
Like a fairytale unfolding serene…

I may linger around for a while…
But I’ve to walk another mile…
I smile as you pass me by…
I love you but am too shy…

Its a wonderful place god’s made here…
We call it our world and hold it so dear…
I know you love this as much as I do..
Maybe its God who loves me through you…

In the journey of life. my fellow traveler…
Our trains run late and off we wander..
Shaky dirt roads, jerks and setback…
Hold me close as I hold your backpack!

someday you will see what I dream every night…
Let the dusk pass and there follows the light!
It wasn’t the destination that held me to this world…
It was the journey with you, of growing ripe and old..

My silence is in conversation with you…
if you can hear the ancient chant without…
my silent stare is aware only of you…
if you can see my eyes pouring love about…
My silent being is reverberating within you…
If you can feel its pulse radiating out….

all that matters now is how dumb, deaf and dead you are….
you are still close to me, no matter however far…

smiled the same ancient smile and so said the lord…
while these stoned fossils of atheists fought over
the lovely statue of my lively God….

Sometimes I just come home on time for a change… and not change… not open the windows…. Not do anything…. The house is silent around… like still relishing its late afternoon nap….

Grey squares of my windows turn black as it gets dark outside… and I don’t switch the lights on…. Silence seeps even deeper with darkness. Or I imagine so?! I do not talk… or think… else the thoughts might stir my precious silence… I only sit n stare at the darkness…. In its depths is peace, painless, numb, cold peace… ruthless and speechless peace…

Enwrapped in thick, intoxicating, heavy silence I fall to sleep….

Then my dreams get more real than the reality itself… colors come to life…. Voids become complete… wrinkles smoothen out… tangles resolve themselves…. All the knots undone…. Sleep is that easy flowing kingdom that halts on the way to another fresh new day….

Then there is real light… real colors… real smells and sounds…. just as real and as dreamlike as I want!

I know, its all sad and badly rhymed….and it was written a long ago and forgotten (dumped actually).  Now that I read this, the innocence struck me more than the horrible rhyme… amuse yourself!

Love wasn’t about a bunch of lilies and a rose…

It was about being strong when you were morose…

It was okay sometimes if you didn’t say I love you,

It was about smiling, loving you every day anew…

Love was silly sometimes, drenched in the rain…

Its every moment was worth a life and yet in vain….

Love loved us both, added sparkle to our eyes…

I nodded seriously, never laughed at your lies…

It was still okay that you never sent me flowers..

I often left some roses in your bedside drawers…

I shed tears for silly reason, just because you cried…

If you smiled charmingly, there my heart beat died….

It’s okay if you fight, if you hurt me deep deep down…

But without telling me don’t you ever go out of town…

Love isn’t about being answerable, losing your freedom…

But you could accept me simply as a part of your kingdom….

For some reason spring is replaced with cold biting winters…

I think I have collected most of my hearts broken splinters…

Some pieces are missing in here; they are my last gift to you…

Patch up your heart with those, those pieces are true to you….

A relation is not a single thread connection between two people.

It is a combined connection of their bodies, minds, hearts and spirit. But only one aspect out of these turns out to be the dominant feature of their relationship.

There could be people that you connect with for primal physical needs. Such connections, basically tactile in expression, last as long as the need lasts, in other words, for a very short while. A wise civilized human being usually cannot be satisfied with it.

The next relation is the one that is ruled by mind, where exchange of thoughts is primary sharing. Such relations tend to be more vocal, and last longer, only to part when the minds part their ways of thought. There is immense learning involved in these relationships, but the bond remains weak, mutually breakable. A wise human can be satisfied with it. Most often wise people keep to this rung of relationships. Being too much guided by intellect, they do not know how to go deeper. Going deeper does not come with a manual, and intellect understands facts and clear instructions, not the world beyond.

When one realises that intellectual satisfaction alone is not enough anymore that is when they listen to what the heart says…. people “think” they listen to their hearts, but mostly it is their mind ruling everything else. It takes time or a shock of realisation to acquire those extra hearing aids to listen to the heart. That is when the revolution starts within a man. Heart is the closest link between his physical world and beyond…. the moment one touches that, all priorities shake, world turns upside down….believes shatter and vision clears…

When heart claims a relation, it holds a chance to last…at least for a lifetime.  Relation between hearts though very subtle in expression still needs a physical aid, usually of eyes…  Here visual expression is more dominant than words or touches. Very intimate exchange can happen through eyes as they are said to be the widows of your heart. Relations of heart are satisfying to the mankind as long as physical world is concerned. But these relations awaken you to the senses beyond physical. It is after awakening of heart, that a man starts to believe in the existence of spirit….

Once aware, it is impossible to not be aware! Once the vision is cleared, it is impossible to feign slumber. How could you sleep with your eyes wide open?! It starts off a different journey altogether. It invokes a great craving that refuses to be satiated by any physical pleasure. It burns your insides even if you are surrounded with world’s greatest physical pleasures….no wine, no woman…no amount of gold will kill the constant burning, painful waiting that is ignited now…

This relation, of spirit with spirit….of spirit with god, is too subtle, too otherworldly to be described. It needs no physical aid, no frame of space and time…. This timeless connection exists forever, and grows richer with passage of each lifetime. You can try to escape it and appear to succeed, but it does not cease to exist just because we close our eyes to it. It lasts beyond you and me….only to be sense and acknowledged by us at some point of time. Once known it only grows and glows within…. pushing aside all other hungers, it drags you to light and freedom…. where every physical relation is a binding of some kind, the relation of spirit is ultimate antithesis of it. Such relation not only frees us from limiting physical relations but also limiting mind-blocks we hold…  This is freedom in its most accurate form, and man’s ultimate reason to exist. No man will ever be able to run away from this. Today or years later, everyone is going to come here…this is home…this is heaven….this is the final destination…

I was going through some pictures taken by a photographer friend of mine. It was sheer pleasure to just witness his moments of “hey look! I caught it!”
Some pictures that I stopped by made me feel as if I should renounce my camera! They were too good!
And I thought that every time we witness or feel closer to perfection and beauty, we want to give up something, some part of our ego, out of happiness, not out of grief!
Maybe that is what all those big people call renunciation. It is wrongly connected with a boring, monotony of life that has no bonds, no love and no appreciation…..and saffron color!
In fact it must be the opposite! One can feel true renunciation only and only when he can be ONE with the beauty and symphony of this world….

It is not escapism, not a way to skip pains and pangs of life. One cannot renounce life in fear. It will not last. You cannot choose to stop breathing with intention to die, because life is such pain in….‘wrong place’. You have to live, so that you can learn to rise above the pain, above the pleasures and above the NEED for either.

Yes, we need pain and pleasure both. Most of us unknowingly are planning their lives in constant hunger for pain or pleasure. There is no other drive, no other aim in front of us. Though we have learnt to express ourselves in very high eloquence and believe the lies, truth is still as naked as this.

We are running after pain or pleasure… pain of missing someone, pleasure of loving someone, pain of working hard, pleasure of success…. The actual person or relation or success means very little to us. All that we want is the sweet-bitter feel of it….

So once we accept we are running blind, we can stop and think. When we think, we realize what life is shouting at us, but we haven’t learnt so far! Every day of last so many years I used to wake up and ask myself, why the hell am I born?! Why do I function and consume energy and dissipate it all the time?! I cannot be born to graduate, if that were true, I should die the moment I graduate. I cannot be born to become an architect, I should die the day I become one! I cannot be born to work or marry or have children…. either or any of it does not justify life! It just does not give me any answers…. rather it gives me a reason to not seek answers… to linger by some trivial ‘reasons’.

The moment we stop running after pains and pleasures, we know this run was never the reason of life. Life is just a lesson, nothing more complex or competitive than that! Learn it and move on….You never hold on to first grade books when you are old enough for high school, do you?!

One must renounce life just like donating old books. We are done with it, filled with its content, and need it no more…. so let the wisdom be passed on…. let the life move on…

I am writing this…. but I know it is not nicely gift-wrapped like I always do for you, my loved reader. This is not a very organized, metaphor perfected piece of writing. But maybe what I am trying to share is too big for me. I feel too limited, too tied down in my expression. So there is no time for trivial things like ornamentation.  I know what is making me write this, what inspires… but I also know that this is futile piece of writing…. it will not make much sense…. it will look old, boring. The words are too used, glossy lost of all the juice…. so many people have said these words so many times that I doubt if they can be understood and appreciated at all….

Once upon a time there was a chameleon named Lars (Johnny Depp). He lived in a comfortably urban terrarium (a dry version of aquarium) until one day he got stranded somewhere in the Mojave Desert (an extreme West region of the US of A).

After an indicative tryst with an armadillo named Roadkill and after being chased to almost death by a hawk, the hero, Lars the chameleon finally meets Beans (Isla Fisher). She is a desert iguana, and a rancher’s daughter and yeah, the girl of his destiny.

This girl, Beans takes him to the town of Dirt. Now Lars is free, as he has never been before, to build a new identity, to create his niche in this new world. And gorgeous chameleon form of Depp takes the opportunity to boast and introduces himself as RANGO, the spirit of west! With some animation twists of luck, he manages to kill the predator Hawk, and earns the badge of sheriff of the town of Dirt, from the mayor (Ned Beatty).

So far the story looks normal….perky screenplay, Wild West music, and cowboy hats….with the desert setting….this super animation world looks too real to be animation. The viewer can comfortably chew on popcorn so far.

And now the real story starts. The lead lady, Beans finds out that there are threats more severe than the shadows of killer hawk.  The water reserve at the dirt Bank is too low to sustain the town even for a week. The usual weekly supply of water has mysteriously dried out. She demands sheriff Rango to investigate the source of water problem.

One night, Rango comes across few mole robbers and unknowingly provides them the location of the bank and tools to break in. The limited water in the bank vault is stolen and sheriff Rango must arrange a posse to chase the robbers. They find the bank manager, Mr. Merrymack, mysteriously dead on their way. Eventually when the posse confronts the robbers, it is found that the water tank they stole was already emptied.

Rango and Beans figure out that Mayor has been buying all the land around the town of dirt, by will or force. Rango also remembers the mayor telling him how controlling water means controlling everything. It is evident that the mayor is behind this mysterious water crunch. The mayor is building a modern city on his purchased land. (Please try not to remember Mr. Sharad Pawar and his Lavasa Corporation.) As the mayor sees Rango getting closer to expose his political game, he calls for the gunslinger rattlesnake Jake (Bill Nighy) to get rid of Rango.

Jake with his Gatling gun tail fires shots after shots, but worse than that, he paints Rango as a fake and irresponsible sheriff, by exposing his lies about being the spirit of west.  Rango, broken and ashamed wanders away from the town of Dirt, and meets the real spirit of west (Timothy Olyphant) in a dreamlike situation.  He inspires Rango as “No man can walk out on his own story.”

Rango eventually figures out that the real source of water for the town of Dirt, comes from Las Vegas and has been smartly closed shut by the mayor, to create a pseudo water crunch.  The closed lines are opened and Rango returns to Dirt, with water.

A typical climax fight takes place, involving lady Beans being held ransom, Mayor trying to kill the rattlesnake and Rango saving all of them! So now there is no villain, abundant water and a town superhero to celebrate!

Happy endings!

And now let’s come to the point. The story is actually about a real issue that we can locally connect with. Forget the frills, but political powers controlling water and hence the social structure, are not new to us. It is ancient reality that the one, who controls water, controls everything else.

In Maharashtra, Mr. Ajit Pawar controls water. Lavasa, the first hill city of Independent India is cuddled by the media as the ‘glorious vision of our honorable Union Agriculture minister, Sharad Pawar’. So obviously, Lavasa Corporation is entitled to be given unrestricted freedom to change every town planning regulation. In case any activist tries to play Rango, the politician-developers lobby has nurtured rattlesnakes of gangsters, ready to crush the resistance.

In a movie, Rango has one great advantage of animation powered luck! In reality we are already sold to the will of politicians. They can buy each one of us if they wish to do so. Lavasa is eating up 7% of Pune’s water supply, in its eight check dams in the catchment area of Varasgaon backwaters. In last 5 years many state level town planning regulations are mysteriously changed to suit the need of Lavasa developers. But we are not Rango of course, we cannot fight. We let Environment minister, Jairam Ramesh fight. We let activist Medha Patkar fight.

All we need to remember is, Rango can rise only if the townsfolk of Dirt come together to fight for their existence.  Without the town, there is no Rango…. And we are the town, you and me, together.

For more information about Lavasa case please read, down to earth, April issue.

http://www.downtoearth.org.in/search/node/lavasa

I LOVE YOU…. AND AM SO GLAD THAT YOU LOVE ME TOO…

I always thought people who live too much in the spirit of friendship are too weak to exist individually. I thought it was some sort of gang mentality, a weakness…

Being a loner most of my tiny life, I had vast personal space and friends remained beyond the boundary of that space….loved, but at distance.

But some things…. some random things DO change your perspective….

And lately mine has changed drastically!

I lost one person I loved, by the hands of death and another loved one chose to walk away. When the most possessively treasured relationships of my life suddenly got severed… I opened my eyes to unbelievable number of people that loved me even from outside my boundary of personal space…. People that I never let approach me fully, and yet found me worthy of their love….

The moment my big empty balloon of space broke with two blows of some divine interference… all the love, all the wonderful faith and strength rushed into my world…. when I imagined I should be in pain of loss…. It overwhelmed me with joy of immeasurable gain….

It feels like floating in a sea of love…rippling, warm and full of light…..sea that cradles me in my highs and lows….without letting me suffocate even when I sink!

Some love silently…. Some love jubilantly! Some humor me and some make me proud…. In the constant rush of interactions, I still remain ME…. being a tiny drop of this sea of people does not diminish me anymore…. It rather enhances the ability to express my individuality…. And yet I notice a thin underlining of oneness with the sea of people….

“Me and them”, are one yet special…

“Me and them”, exist yet don’t…

“Me and them”, remain free yet love…

“Me and them” are a wonderful concoction of emotions and thoughts…. A kaleidoscope of life and its variant joys… beauty and a heavenly reason for it to exist!

This is life as it should be… hurts, shocks and pains are just there, sitting in corner moaning about their vacant selves…. You can choose to sit with them and moan too…. But you CANNOT!! So beautiful is the co-existence of “Me and Them” that I cannot mourn anymore….about anything in life….

And for the first time I realized that for years I was sitting alone…. And mourning my own demise…that had not actually happened…. The moment I let THEM in… they pulled me out…forced me to LIVE and let the trapped and bruised LOVE flow out in every possible direction…. Never worry about where to flows to! There is too much love to contain… too much love to keep account of…. Too much love to withhold!

I know you will wonder WHO the hell are “THEM” in this whole issue! If you felt vibration of strong toxic love while reading this,

you are already part of my “THEM”!!

So let me tell you something I never said before….