Achievement…

Do you feel sometimes that the world is a big laboratory and somebody is performing a complex experiment on us all….?

On one side we have our dreams and aspirations….. And we chase them, we fight for our dreams… and what we achieve is not always exactly what we really wanted…. The nature of that achievement always changes by the time we reach there…. Does someone up there tweak the things before we get them?!

Often, by the time I get it, I do not want it anymore…. It looks too dull in comparison with the vibrant journey I experienced, to reach there…. If it is possible, I must be more in love with the path than the destination, and guess it works the same with many of us….

Also when we gain something, we lose something on its way…. There is a cost of everything in life, nothing, nothing ever comes for free. Sometimes, what I lost in my path leaves a gaping hole in that glorious achievement….. I do not want glorious achievements anymore. I never started out to gain fame and applause or money…. But the world often takes it for granted that I must want all that….and gives me just that! I am wordless and helpless if it comes to explaining that “I do not want it! What I am looking for cannot be bought with money, because it does not exist! I must build it, create it myself…. It cannot be offered like applause, nor spread out like popularity! I wish I could explain what I am looking for…. It is some quiet place, beautiful in its presence, surrounded by love and warmth and wisdom….peaceful and conscientious at the same time.”

Not that we do not respect what we get. We are extremely grateful for the journey and wisdom it brought to us…. But “now what?” is the question that pops up every now and then, edging us to embark on a fresh journey all over again!

They say we lack stability…. We say we lack inertia! Stability for us arises from quiet industriousness. Stability will dawn upon us, for now, we simply do what we are doing; we live in here and now…. That in itself is a wondrous state to achieve…..

 

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The Grampari Affair Part I

I never wanted to get involved in this Grampari affair…. I had decided with full affirmation, to stop chasing the butterflies and take up a job in an architecture office, straight from morning ten to six in the evening, every day of the year….

***

I knew Renie since the Ecological Society Course. He worked somewhere in Panchgani. I got a chance to wander around with this geologist friend, while carrying out ecological surveys for Oikos. That is when I started inquiring more about his actual work.

He was working on Spring shed management project at Grampari, MRA in Panchgani. Of course this made no sense to me. So it was inevitable that, after resigning from Oikos, I should grab a bus straight to panchgani to visit this project.

It was absolutely casual visit. I anyway did not want to get involved with this Grampari affair….

The campus was abuzz with International Women’s Day event. Women Sarpanch and men assistant surpanch (Now, that’s exciting, isn’t it?!) had gathered there. Women’s participation in village administration has not improved merely by providing them reserved designations in Panchayat system. But here at Grampari these women public representatives got a chance to know the intricate laws, discuss their rights and responsibilities with legal experts and experienced social workers. With such exposure, I noticed, they were much more assertive and confident in their bearing.

Renie got me introduced to everyone at Grampari. I was already admiring ever smiling Jayashree Aunty, Dr Jared and Soumya. Who knew they were directors of Grampari?!

Some unknown people from another corner of the world come and stay in a village, helping my people to know, understand and conserve our environment, health and sanitation… that was invoking natural curiosity in my mind…

All sorts of crazy questions were shooting out, unrestrained by my usually recluse nature. In conclusion, that absolutely normal day ended with Jared offering me a job with Grampari. I was hastily nodding in agreement while refusing verbally!

Next week I was in panchgani to see the spring shed project being executed in the neighboring village of Godavli. (We’ll write another post on it!) There was no harm in just visiting…

I was anyway not getting involved in this Grampari affair!

We decided my work hours, time schedule and other such details that day. In next week I had signed a short term contract with Grampari. It is a two month contract with a clever clause of extension possible at the end of the term! I am going to refuse…

I am NOT going get involved in this Grampari affair!

This is how I started working from home. Helping with the documentation of Spring shed Protection Program is my primary task. With the help of ample visuals, sketches and drawings we are making a spring shed management handbook to be used in the Western Ghats or comparable ecosystems. Naturally, first I had to become watershed-literate!

That is how my Pune-Panchgani trips started. Now MSRTC is my second home. I know almost every conductor on Pune-Mahabaleshwar semi luxury bus route! Besides, I can write another whole post about my crazy co-passengers!

Every time I get down from the bus, I take a deep breath….. Inhaling entire Western Ghats, the forest, every eagle hovering over the valley, every stepped rice field and the wild crazy wind…

And I know, that it makes no sense hence forth to not get involved in this affair….

It is impossible to not smile when I walk up to the MRA campus. As if some chirpy, mad bird possesses me! I never know if I walk or fly up there!

Then follow endless discussions, work reviews, planning what to sketch next….  Sometimes we go off on a site inspection all day long. Although, calling it an inspection is nowhere near the actual experience! I carry cement bags on my head, dig with a pickaxe along with Jared and his assistant, “Ashok bhau”. Carrying batches of freshly mixed concrete, cleaning old stone built water tanks are as much part of my job description as sketching by the lily pond or providing a running translation between my boss and the villagers.

On another day I translated to and from English so much that by the end of the day I was speaking native Marathi with the boss and English with the villagers.  The whole village laughed at me… and then Tukaram Aba, one of the village elders called for a tea break!

***

Food and boarding facilities are excellent at MRA, so much that at times I find myself too pampered. Not having to cook is another bonus for me! Meal times are very special proceedings here. Initially I was too baffled to dine with so many strangers. Where to sit? What to eat? Who to talk with?

Basically understanding this institution and explaining it in a single blog post is impossible for me! But slowly the mealtimes became my greatest learning sessions. Strangers are not scary; they are just an unexplored opportunity to learn! I eat at a different table every day. Sometimes I dine with the interns who work at MRA, sometimes it is my bosses, MRA officials, guests, well-wishers, resident staff or volunteers….. a multicolor collage of people from across the world… people with different expertise, different backgrounds, different motivations…. All so different!

I started firing everyone with my endless questions. I remember once, the secretary of MRA sat with me, answering my rapid-fire, while his plate almost dried out. (Maybe that is why he avoided my table since then!)

With hundred or so dining at every mealtime, imagine the number of plates and cutlery to be washed! Hence, everyday one department of MRA helps in wash-up. I started to groove into this tradition of washing plates with songs and laughter as accompaniments! As a kid I always dreamed of washing dishes when I grew up…or at least grew up enough to reach over the sink! Who thought childhood aspirations could come true in such way!

Yona, one of the African interns hugged me for helping the interns with their wash up, on a specifically rush day… After a baffled moment, I too decided to wrap my soap sodden arms around her!

One of the cloudy evenings I have spent with this girl, who filled up the glass faced meditation center with her honeyed voice, singing some unknown chants…. It is impossible that God would miss her clear bell like song flowing into the valley…..

***

There is much more to share about this Grampari affair, maybe with pictures next time!

Man, Woman and Love…

About the same old topic…. Topic that mankind has been thinking about since its birth…. Love, man and woman, their mutual coexistence…. And everything else that follows…
For centuries people have thought, written, played and sung about this thing called love…. And yet it remains out of grasp….

The moment there is duality, there has to be strong attraction and repulsion inherent in the system….. Man and woman, being such complicated halves of one whole self that their coexistence would be, without any doubt, a mystery like no other… attraction to become one complete presence and repulsion to retain the individual presences.

They say a man and woman cannot be friends, there enters love to spoil it all….. But is that not ridiculous thing to expect?! There are two contradictions in this one single statement….. One, why is friendship not valued as love? Two, man and woman are dual poles of the same humanity, they are bound to love each other…. Why does that have to spoil anything?

But this is all theoretical discussion of course, inside we all know that here, love refers to a very sexual, reproduction intending, and instinctive animal desire, which is only one tiny aspect of a huge big complex idea of love.

This is like the story of an elephant and the blind men….. We all encounter very unique aspect of that one big huge love and assume it to be the one and only love. Generally speaking, owing to the natural tendencies, men and women see almost opposite aspects of love…. They “expect” accordingly different responses from each other… but actually none of them is right about love. Love is all about overcoming that inherent miscommunication. Love is about learning the whole concept of what really the elephant is!

Woman sees love in every relation… she finds the very imagination of it so very satisfying that she hardly cares to check the reality, which may not be as rosy as she thinks… Of course here I refer to woman as gender expressed in any form. Man does not see love like she does, at least not naturally. For him, it is a sport, a conquest…. There is possession and power involved…. And there is sexual aspect of love so very dominant…..

But it would be unjust to denounce men to the level of an animal. Time and again, men have shown courage and vulnerability of crossing their inbuilt idea of love. They have evolved in so many invisible ways. Maybe it was living in thousands of years of family structure that has started to change men….

They are becoming sensitive like a woman is…. They are starting to feel the other aspects of love…. For a long time human psychology has believed children to be woman’s natural responsibility, that men have no instinctive parental feeling. But years and years of fatherhood seems to have rubbed off on them! Observe closely, there are so many men around us who feel complete with fatherhood. They want it; crave it as much as woman craves motherhood. This was not how nature made them. They picked it up with time….  Man became father…..

Of course, slow as they are by nature, they have taken long time learning it… and still seem to fight with the change more often than they should! This is a good change, guys…. It is okay to be vulnerable to women just as she is vulnerable to you… We are growing up together…see?!

We are not going to have wars anymore, fights anymore, if men learn to be vulnerable, to love… as a father…. Yes, they need not become a copy of motherhood! It will be as sick and shallow as women competing men in fights and smoke….!

And woman is changing too along his side. Woman, who was tied down in centuries of pregnancy, is now free… free to learn, to create, to express herself in ways other than raising children…. She’s learning about the world as men built it for years…. She is raising questions, making changes, taking her part in reshaping the world….

A very beautiful future is ahead of us, though only as one of the many possibilities…. But, my god! Look at the utopia we could build together if man and woman become a bit of each other and overcome the stupid miscommunication….

We call it only one of many possibilities because there is an ugly side of this evolution. By another law of nature, there is resistance wherever there is “change”. We watch women going overboard to claim their freedom and losing womanhood in the process! What are we seeking liberation from?! From our own mental block possibly…. Definitely not from womanhood, since it is the most wonderful thing about existing as a woman! Similarly men too are resisting the change. Sudden violent increases in the rape accounts are nothing but a way to protest against their own evolution! It is not women they are defying…though they are hurting her in the process of it.

Some people claim that this resistance is product of family based social system. Yes it is. But that does not really mean we have to discard the whole thing. We have lived with this system for generations, gotten used to it…and grown with it. Just as we picked up some bad habits, we have also learned a few good things…. Let us not ruin it all. Instead, it is possible to move on with whatever we have in hand….

We do not need revolution when we have evolution possible to us! Let us just behave ourselves…. Be little more aware…little more forgiving…little more complimenting….. Let us get rid of centuries of vengefulness in our instincts… We have moved on, way ahead of savageness of that kind. We can respect friendship, since we feel it so strongly…. We can stop being so authoritarian, so possessive. We can learn about love in more open perspective…. Respect the other gender too. Try to ease their complexes sometimes. Help them to understand too!
Let us not go back…. Because there is such a wonderful world awaiting us! And we all agree, that we are basically very, very wonderful people, aren’t we?!

Little Silly thought….

Every day I am falling in love afresh, with you and your wonder filled world.

How could I not love each lush green leaf and every clear raindrop…. Every gush of wind flying up the valley and rushing rapids jumping carelessly off the cliffs….

They are all your moods and shades enwrapped around me. And I am a little seed germinating in your soft sweet earth….

However ethereal and formless you may be…. I have seen you in broad daylight, touched you in warm wet soil. I am drunk with your clear sweet rains….

And how could they say you did not exist, when I am holding on to this dream-life just to watch you exist in every cell….in every little bit of me…

Now that I have lost all the contests, given up chasing everything else….I see no other reason but you. I see not this world, but you. Every word I say has blossomed into a prayer that I must’ve offered you. My dazed chains of thoughts are nothing but fragrant garlands…already yours even before you arrive!

I am not conscious I know… But you are… all that exists, I exist not anyway! There is just little silly thought, slowly fading away… Who will welcome you…if I become you in the end?!

So Glad To Love…

I always thought people who live too much in the spirit of friendship are too weak to exist individually. I thought it was some sort of gang mentality, a weakness…

Being a loner most of my tiny life, I had vast personal space and friends remained beyond the boundary of that space….loved, but at distance.

But some things…. some random things DO change your perspective….

And lately mine has changed drastically!

I lost one person I loved, by the hands of death and another loved one chose to walk away. When the most possessively treasured relationships of my life suddenly got severed… I opened my eyes to unbelievable number of people that loved me even from outside my boundary of personal space…. People that I never let approach me fully, and yet found me worthy of their love….

The moment my big empty balloon of space broke with two blows of some divine interference… all the love, all the wonderful faith and strength rushed into my world…. when I imagined I should be in pain of loss…. It overwhelmed me with joy of immeasurable gain….

It feels like floating in a sea of love…rippling, warm and full of light…..sea that cradles me in my highs and lows….without letting me suffocate even when I sink!

Some love silently…. Some love jubilantly! Some humor me and some make me proud…. In the constant rush of interactions, I still remain ME…. being a tiny drop of this sea of people does not diminish me anymore…. It rather enhances the ability to express my individuality…. And yet I notice a thin underlining of oneness with the sea of people….

“Me and them”, are one yet special…

“Me and them”, exist yet don’t…

“Me and them”, remain free yet love…

“Me and them” are a wonderful concoction of emotions and thoughts…. A kaleidoscope of life and its variant joys… beauty and a heavenly reason for it to exist!

This is life as it should be… hurts, shocks and pains are just there, sitting in corner moaning about their vacant selves…. You can choose to sit with them and moan too…. But you CANNOT!! So beautiful is the co-existence of “Me and Them” that I cannot mourn anymore….about anything in life….

And for the first time I realized that for years I was sitting alone…. And mourning my own demise…that had not actually happened…. The moment I let THEM in… they pulled me out…forced me to LIVE and let the trapped and bruised LOVE flow out in every possible direction…. Never worry about where to flows to! There is too much love to contain… too much love to keep account of…. Too much love to withhold!

I know you will wonder WHO the hell are “THEM” in this whole issue! If you felt vibration of strong toxic love while reading this,

you are already part of my “THEM”!!

So let me tell you something I never said before….

I LOVE YOU…. AND AM SO GLAD THAT YOU LOVE ME TOO…

Smiling face across the flowers…

She was restless all through the night. Thinking if she should do it or not….

What if they catch me? What will they do to me? But I can’t just sit. I will not be able to hold back….

It is a day to express my love…. It is my rightful time to speak what I feel! It is my time to say that I love you! …Flowers! Yes! I will get flowers tomorrow! There is nothing as pleasant as a beautiful flower to confront the love! It brings a smile, makes you agree, even if you are angry with me!

Who will sell flowers on the Valentine’s Day?! I have heard they burn down the shops

It will be very tricky… but I will feel so nice when I will see that smiling face across my flowers, watching me with admiration?!

And with that thought she smiled to herself….laying in her bed, watching vacant ceiling she drifted to sleep with sweet dreams in her eyes….

Morning came with distant bustle of awakening human world….and she woke up from her dream world. Her first conscious thought was the same smiling face across the flowers, watching her with admiration! Again she could not help but smile!

With eagerness of a five year old she got herself ready. As if she wanted to catch the first flower of the season, first ray of that special sunrise, first smiles and first laughter! She changed her dress five times before the mirror….but finally selected the first dress only! She went through breakfast as if it was first time she ate food! And she rushed out in hurry…

Roads were still covered in lazy traces of last night’s fog. As she reached, the florist shop was only opening its shutters… its clean glass doors shining in soft morning light…. There was smell of soft watered earth… And fresh flowers were yet to be arranged. Florist, an elderly man of wise temperament was busy arranging the bouquets on display racks. He saw her approaching with a beaming smile on her face, and he thought to himself,

Here she comes, another fool! She will buy flowers for her lover and he will cheat her first thing tomorrow morning! How many like her have come to buy a red rose and gone home with a wilted face like stale lilies!”

But working with flowers everyday gave him a youthful heart, the one that can encourage love everyday with a new blossom on his display racks! He smiled as she entered the shop overflowing with smiles and so many things to say!

She bought flowers of assorted variety, unlike everyone who was expected to come today for red roses. She got fresh white lilies and sunny yellow roses along with pinks! Even when she was selecting the flowers she could not stop her smiles! What an overflow of zest!!

The florist chuckled to himself and he too could not help the smile that retouched his face! He took the money from her tender, inexperienced hands and noticed that it must have been her hard earned, saved for so long, money that she was spending today…. He looked down at that innocent smile and prayed to God that, “You still not have stopped giving out innocence and love in abundance! Thank you lord, world needs this so very much!”

Unaware of the florist and his prayer, the girl swayed her way out of his shop, controlling her desire to dance into walking steps across the pavement. The roads were almost empty, so unlikely for a beautiful morning like today! She thought for a moment but it could not dampen her joy and she walked on with the bunch of flowers cradled like a delicate baby in her arms… As she saw the flowers, again she melted into the fantasy of the moment when the flowers will be given! And there was the same smiling face across the flowers, watching her with admiration! Again she could not help but smile!

Around next corner she heard voices….as if people following her…. Smiles tucked in…. as if they had never known how to smile….tall and rough… in a moment she was surrounded…. Another moment had realized her flowers, her fresh and beautiful flowers were strewn across the road…torn petal by petal…. She could not concentrate on next moment…. Her eyes were closed… And there was the same smiling face across the flowers, watching her with admiration! Again she could not help but smile!

Her eyes opened to reveal white vacant ceiling…smell of something familiar….like a hospital….. With a tiny shock she looked around… it was not a dream…. Was it?! She was definitely coming here….right towards the hospital…but not to lie in bed! Why was she in bed?!

As she tried to get up, a searing pain went through her stomach…. A soft but firm hand came from somewhere and supported her up, so that she could sit and look around. That was some strange surprise to see her best friend by her side! What a great day it must be! And as her gaze moved around, she saw that old grandpa on first bed with his toothless smile, little foreigner girl craning her neck over the pillow to look at her, Head-nurse aunty in her crisp white uniform, bustling around the beds arranging curtains….sweeper uncle with his broom swashing under the beds smiled at her….

All the smiles that she had been dreaming of from across the flowers were right there! And she remembered flowers! Where are my flowers?! Some distant vague scene of petals strewn across the road…. Was it true?!

“I was getting flowers for you all” She said to the room at large, though her confused and pained look contradicted her words….

“Grandpa, I had got white lilies for you…you said it reminds you of granny…. And for nurse aunty and sweeper uncle, I had got yellow roses…those big fragrant ones….For the little china doll over there I had got pink rose”

She looked up at her friend, “What happened of my flowers?!”

He just smiled as if relieved from great tension. “You are safe, my flower! That is all we need! You are one fool to carry a big bunch of flowers right on the road, when you know things are very sensitive these days! If I had not found you in time, the people who stabbed you would have left you bleeding there on the road!”

His expressions of warm love changed to ferocious anger while he spoke! Late morning light fell across the tall windows, his red angry face glowed in that light…. But his rage could not touch her! She still smiled at him the same way! What could he do?! He had to smile too; such was the intoxicating wonder in her smile!

She was not much disturbed….as if violence never touched her! “Alright, so the flowers are gone you say?! Could we get fresh ones? What do you say? Do you have some money?”

“My dear, it’s the morning of 15th February, 2010! It was not very nice of you to remain unconscious for one whole day and keep everyone worried!” though now everyone was laughing!

He got up from her side and yawned and stretched “Is it okay if I go home now?! You are safe here with all your valentine friends and your parents will come in some time. I will see you later today…. Is it okay?!” she smiled and nodded with the enthusiasm of a fresh daisy swaying in morning wind!

She waved a goodbye to him, and relaxed back into the soft pillow, realizing the small effort had tired her out…. She saw from her bed… grandpa had taken his medicine and was dozing away…. The little Chinese girl was watching the doctors bustling outside the ward. It was very quiet… tranquil place.

Her gaze moved around…..and stopped on a wrinkled shirt, clumsily folded on her bedside table…. She recognized it at once….it was the same shirt he had worn. She knew her best friends shirt so well that she could have closed her eyes and picked it out of hundreds! But it was stained with blood… was it her blood?! She touched lightly on the bandaged wound on her stomach….trying to feel it….remember it…. It hurt for sure, even through the heavy painkiller dose….

She opened the folded shirt…and from its folds fell something in her lap…. A wilted red rose…one solitary red rose… and a note,

“to my dearest flower, you have been my best friend ever since I know you…. You have brought magic and wonderment in my life. You are no less than a magician for me! Would you want to spend your life with me, fill me with your magical love always and forever?!”

She Smiled and closed her eyes…and she saw his smiling face from across a solitary red rose, watching her in admiration!

She was restless all through the night. Thinking if she should do it or not….

What if they catch me? What will they do to me? But I can’t just sit. I will not be able to hold back….

It is a day to express my love…. It is my rightful time to speak what I feel! It is my time to say that I love you! …Flowers! Yes! I will get flowers tomorrow! There is nothing as pleasant as a beautiful flower to confront the love! It brings a smile, makes you agree, even if you are angry with me!

Who will sell flowers on the Valentine’s Day?! I have heard they burn down the shops…

It will be very tricky… but I will feel so nice when I will see that smiling face across my flowers, watching me with admiration?!

And with that thought she smiled to herself….laying in her bed, watching vacant ceiling she drifted to sleep with sweet dreams in her eyes….

Morning came with distant bustle of awakening human world….and she woke up from her dream world. Her first conscious thought was the same smiling face across the flowers, watching her with admiration! Again she could not help but smile!

With eagerness of a five year old she got herself ready. As if she wanted to catch the first flower of the season, first ray of that special sunrise, first smiles and first laughter! She changed her dress five times before the mirror….but finally selected the first dress only! She went through breakfast as if it was first time she ate food! And she rushed out in hurry…

Roads were still covered in lazy traces of last night’s fog. As she reached, the florist shop was only opening its shutters… its clean glass doors shining in soft morning light…. There was smell of soft watered earth… And fresh flowers were yet to be arranged. Florist, an elderly man of wise temperament was busy arranging the bouquets on display racks. He saw her approaching with a beaming smile on her face, and he thought to himself,

Here she comes, another fool! She will buy flowers for her lover and he will cheat her first thing tomorrow morning! How many like her have come to buy a red rose and gone home with a wilted face like stale lilies!”

But working with flowers everyday gave him a youthful heart, the one that can encourage love everyday with a new blossom on his display racks! He smiled as she entered the shop overflowing with smiles and so many things to say!

She bought flowers of assorted variety, unlike everyone who was expected to come today for red roses. She got fresh white lilies and sunny yellow roses along with pinks! Even when she was selecting the flowers she could not stop her smiles! What an overflow of zest!!

The florist chuckled to himself and he too could not help the smile that retouched his face! He took the money from her tender, inexperienced hands and noticed that it must have been her hard earned, saved for so long, money that she was spending today…. He looked down at that innocent smile and prayed to God that, “You still not have stopped giving out innocence and love in abundance! Thank you lord, world needs this so very much!”

Unaware of the florist and his prayer, the girl swayed her way out of his shop, controlling her desire to dance into walking steps across the pavement. The roads were almost empty, so unlikely for a beautiful morning like today! She thought for a moment but it could not dampen her joy and she walked on with the bunch of flowers cradled like a delicate baby in her arms… As she saw the flowers, again she melted into the fantasy of the moment when the flowers will be given! And there was the same smiling face across the flowers, watching her with admiration! Again she could not help but smile!

Around next corner she heard voices….as if people following her…. Smiles tucked in…. as if they had never known how to smile….tall and rough… in a moment she was surrounded…. Another moment had realized her flowers, her fresh and beautiful flowers were strewn across the road…torn petal by petal…. She could not concentrate on next moment…. Her eyes were closed… And there was the same smiling face across the flowers, watching her with admiration! Again she could not help but smile!

Her eyes opened to reveal white vacant ceiling…smell of something familiar….like a hospital….. With a tiny shock she looked around… it was not a dream…. Was it?! She was definitely coming here….right towards the hospital…but not to lie in bed! Why was she in bed?!

As she tried to get up, a searing pain went through her stomach…. A soft but firm hand came from somewhere and supported her up, so that she could sit and look around. That was some strange surprise to see her best friend by her side! What a great day it must be! And as her gaze moved around, she saw that old grandpa on first bed with his toothless smile, little foreigner girl craning her neck over the pillow to look at her, Head-nurse aunty in her crisp white uniform, bustling around the beds arranging curtains….sweeper uncle with his broom swashing under the beds smiled at her….

All the smiles that she had been dreaming of from across the flowers were right there! And she remembered flowers! Where are my flowers?! Some distant vague scene of petals strewn across the road…. Was it true?!

“I was getting flowers for you all” She said to the room at large, though her confused and pained look contradicted her words….

“Grandpa, I had got white lilies for you…you said it reminds you of granny…. And for nurse aunty and sweeper uncle, I had got yellow roses…those big fragrant ones….For the little china doll over there I had got pink rose”

She looked up at her friend, “What happened of my flowers?!”

He just smiled as if relieved from great tension. “You are safe, my flower! That is all we need! You are one fool to carry a big bunch of flowers right on the road, when you know things are very sensitive these days! If I had not found you in time, the people who stabbed you would have left you bleeding there on the road!”

His expressions of warm love changed to ferocious anger while he spoke! Late morning light fell across the tall windows, his red angry face glowed in that light…. But his rage could not touch her! She still smiled at him the same way! What could he do?! He had to smile too; such was the intoxicating wonder in her smile!

She was not much disturbed….as if violence never touched her! “Alright, so the flowers are gone you say?! Could we get fresh ones? What do you say? Do you have some money?”

“My dear, it’s the morning of 15th February, 2010! It was not very nice of you to remain unconscious for one whole day and keep everyone worried!” though now everyone was laughing!

He got up from her side and yawned and stretched “Is it okay if I go home now?! You are safe here with all your valentine friends and your parents will come in some time. I will see you later today…. Is it okay?!” she smiled and nodded with the enthusiasm of a fresh daisy swaying in morning wind!

She waved a goodbye to him, and relaxed back into the soft pillow, realizing the small effort had tired her out…. She saw from her bed… grandpa had taken his medicine and was dozing away…. The little Chinese girl was watching the doctors bustling outside the ward. It was very quiet… tranquil place.

Her gaze moved around…..and stopped on a wrinkled shirt, clumsily folded on her bedside table…. She recognized it at once….it was the same shirt he had worn. She knew her best friends shirt so well that she could have closed her eyes and picked it out of hundreds! But it was stained with blood… was it her blood?! She touched lightly on the bandaged wound on her stomach….trying to feel it….remember it…. It hurt for sure, even through the heavy painkiller dose….

She opened the folded shirt…and from its folds fell something in her lap…. A wilted red rose…one solitary red rose… and a note,

“to my dearest flower, you have been my best friend ever since I know you…. You have brought magic and wonderment in my life. You are no less than a magician for me! Would you want to spend your life with me, fill me with your magical love always and forever?!”

Fulfilled…

Again I stand at the ground zero

Unable to know which way to go…

Again I’m here with my bleeding heart

My wings are cut, I’m fallen apart…

Again I watch the blazing sun

far beyond my reach of run….

Again I wish in sullen melancholy…

Does my dream have a chance really?

May be something’s wrong with the dream itself…

I jumped to own the God himself!

My two tiny hands can’t hold his glory….

But my heart hides a long secret story…

Since it learnt to sing its pulse…

It sang thy name in very verse…

I can’t console my weeping heart…

Unable to give up, again I start…

Now I am robbed of everything I had…

My body is sore…my weather is bad…

My two tiny hands folded into prayer…

I close my eyes and my song aquiver…

I can’t reach thee, my feet so fickle…

I am robbed of the world; I own not a nickel…

But since when thy glory is confined?

Since when thy love cares for the defined?

I heard thee loveth all the same…

Thy glory lives longer than fame…

I tried my best, I toiled till I broke…

Still you deny me, still you forsook…

I wasn’t a saint, I wasn’t a king…

An insignificant one in thy fling…

I could be crushed under mighty feet…

Happily walked to the death I’d meet…

But you make me exist, survive and live….

You make me dream, smile and believe…

Now I give up….thy dreams, thy visions…

I care for nothing, neither for thy mission…

I want thee, only thy face to see…

I want thy love deeper than the sea…

Come to me if thee ever loved me…

Hold me close, never leave me…

Then I will be drowned in thy sweet rose….

I will say yes, to everything you propose….

I will live for thee, and die for thee…

My every heartbeat will sing for thee…

Thy gaze will heal when I am fallen apart…

Thy love will blossom, spread from my heart….

I will be your hand in everything you perform

I will be your sword, in the wars of reform….

My mind my soul was lost in the dream again…

In that moment no tears remain!

Glow of thousand suns fell over me….

Great Joy of love burst within….

In that moment I found your secret…

Not in the skies, you hid in my heart!

My prayer was answered…

And my love was fulfilled…