It is matter of curiosity, the way my mind works. It thinks with some weird logic that does not go with others. I often feel if I see world like a mirror replica of reality. What I see is exactly the opposite of most others.
Though a gift at times….at times this strangeness is also a burden. I get irritated with people, noise and chaos of world. When I am expressive, central in conversations I am happy with others. But when I am in pensive mood my outer behavior is snappish and over-critical. Many faults of others that I usually put up with very patiently become unbearable in that state of mind. How I deal with grown-ups is one thing. But in that state of mind, I feel acute anger for kids playing noisily near my window.
Actually I do not like most of the kids, strange it may sound! Most of them are noisy, arrogant, highly selfish and over-pampered. Very seldom I come across quiet, peaceful and truly innocent kids that I can feel love for. The usual notion for the rest of the world around me is far different from me. Almost every kid is supposed to be “Choooo chweeeeet”! And being a girl brings an obvious assumption that she would have natural tendency to love every kid that comes her way. Mostly girls are like that I agree! But I do not feel like running to every cute baby out on the road!
For long time I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. How can I dislike kids?! They do not even know they cause so much of disturbance in my system!
Some day in future I may become a mother! What if my kid is raucous in behavior?! I cannot possibly hate my own kid, but will I be able to fold my strict likes and dislikes and put them aside?! Am I not a pampered kid myself, not ready to adjust?! I do not want to be a brash, unloving mother…..
I tried to recollect my childhood…. It was very much quiet and peaceful. I was never the one causing mayhem in the house or neighborhood. Some lonely corner was the best place to find me lost in musing over something unthinkable! I preferred gentle silent company if any. And I hated it when I had to deal with noisy, over-exuberant playmates at school or crèche. Being a single daughter of my parents only grooved my habit of stillness even deeper. I was still carrying the same hatred for noisy kids, who used to break into my silent privacy. These kids in present times are image of those intruders in my past in my mind… Now that I am very much grown up girl, it seems incoherent to hate those kids! Only I know secretly, the reason of my anger. I feel little ashamed, for they are utterly unaware of the fault I am blaming on them…. They only are innocent monsters running wild, shouting at the top of their lungs, in some juvenile happiness that I have no taste of!
I think, now that I know this…I do not hate them anymore! I only laugh….as I try to see, try to imagine what happiness it could be to run screeching like that! Should I try doing that sometimes?!